Pursuing Purpose

The pursuit of purpose for me has been a journey that for so long seemed unattainable. I often saw myself on the proverbial “hamster wheel” of sorts. I used this analogy because I understood purpose as a “thing” external to my identity. What I knew for sure was that I had a purpose but no idea what it was or how to walk in it. And because of that perception, I remained on the “hamster wheel'' exhaustively trying to pursue what was already on the inside of me. My pursuit was motivated by the fear of settling for a life of nine-to-five (nothing wrong with having one) and remaining unfulfilled.

I tried to fix this "problem" my way. I used what I learned in life to do so. The first attempt was after I rededicated my life to God and began serving in a ministry. Working in a ministry has got to be my purpose because I'm saved now! lol, I was ignoring all other passions and desires he gave me and relegating them to service to my local church. It was not wrong for me to serve in my local church. My assumption was wrong to presume it was my purpose without any engagement with the Lord to show me. After some time, I realized the point of my pursuit was wrong. There are so many great and low moments. As I came to that realization, I pivoted my focus to my second attempt: my career! Yay!

I pivot to pursue my career after "failing" to find fulfillment in my service to my local church. I chose my career because I knew that was something I could pursue with little disappointment. And any failures I would experience would be bearable. I took on the idea that "if I work hard, it will be noticed and rewarded." Here's a bit of a caveat with that: in that season of my life, I lacked confidence and had a poor view of who I was, even as a believer. So there's added pressure to display peak performance, but foundationally, I lacked stability. And this proved to be a recipe for disappointment in the end. It didn't take long for exhaustion to kick in due to the side effects of "working hard." Since the source of my pursuit was dependent on me and my performance. It was all on me to prove! I took on a perfectionist mindset that did not serve me well in that season. I came to a point where I could no longer sustain myself; every mistake or error was seen as a stumbling block to my pursuit. In the end, I finally came to the resolution I'm no longer pursuing purpose. I'm just going to live. I must say it was one of the better decisions I made because I was relieved of the performance anxiety I felt.

My mind was clear, and I stopped trying to fix things on my own; it seemed easier to hear God. This is really where the journey began! If you enjoyed this excerpt of my journey, stay tuned for part dos!